CHAPTER ONE: CRIMSON SEDUCTION
The way the low golden light of the lamp hit the blade was almost romantic in a twisted sort of way. Seducing him as he fingered dirty finger nails across the small razor blade that he held in his palm. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but it was the only thing that would make him feel good. There was this sadness somewhere inside of him that grew with each passing minute..hour..day…week until he felt consumed by it. The sadness that came from out of no where every now and then when he wasn’t expecting it to. The sadness that made it hard for him to get out of bed some afternoons and that felt smothering yet inviting all at the same time. He didn’t know why he felt so bad about everything. Fuck, his life was perfect…well, to most people it would be.
He was rich..fuckingly disgustingly rich thanks to a skate-board and a little bit of luck in the sponsorship department and at twenty-two, while most of his friends were still in college, had already made enough money to retire comfortably. He had a great girl-friend who was always down for what ever he wanted to do and for that he loved her just that much more. He had known most of his friends for almost as long as he had known himself and they were the best mother fuckers he knew. He should have felt on top of the world, but instead he felt underneath it..smothered…choked and restrained. If felt like everyone always wanted a piece of him and wanted to leave nothing left for him..and it worked. He felt like he had nothing.
He hadn’t done this in a long time…fuck, that was a lie. He did it on occasion, just a few weeks ago, but usually only when he was stressed out about something and just needed something to help him deal. No, he wasn’t stressed that night..just sad. He could hear his friends all downstairs laughing against the back drop of a Jay Z song that came courteous of Darnel, he was always trying to share his love of hip-hop with everyone, even if more times than none they wouldn’t enjoy it. Darnel was one of his best friends and even after nearly ten years of friendship, he still didn’t understand that if it wasn’t heavy metal or country music, none of them would love it as much as he did. Michael almost smiled at trying to picture some of his friends downstairs trying to pretend the knew the words to ‘Big Pimping’. Hell, even Darnel and all two hundred and thirty five pounds of his black, linesmen back body didn’t even know them.
His fingers started tingling in a teasing way…begging for him to just do it..get it over with. He knew he shouldn’t do it because he didn’t think he would stop this time. No, last time he did it he wondered what it would feel like if he dragged the blade across his wrist diagonally and pressed harder. He never cut anywhere other than his legs and never even thought about his arms let alone his wrists before. That scared him and he told himself that he wasn’t going to cut again, but here he was tempting fate once again. He didn’t know what made him tell all his friends that he needed to run up to his room and it didn’t surprise him that no one questioned him as to why. He had long established that reputation of not being one to answer questions and he loved that about himself. He loved people thinking that he held so much mystery when really there was none. He was a shell of a man panged with insecurities and uncertainties like everyone else only he was smart and at thirteen after the “incident” that no one talks about happened, he found a solution for that. Cutting made everything feel better.
It’s hard to explain it unless you have done it. Its hard to explain why causing yourself pain can be the only way to make you feel better, but it does. It’s like the world is full of so many things you can’t control, but pain is something that you can. It’s the act of knowing that your doing something that you and only YOU have power over is what makes it feel good. When he was cutting himself it made all the painful memories disappear, but they were memories and always came back later.
He closed his eyes and remembered.
He was at Nana’s house. His uncle Paul was supposed to be watching him, but he had left to go to the bar with some of his friends so it was just Michael and his cousin Steve. Michael was always the perceptive child, hell his mother Donna will tell you that. He didn’t know what it was about his cousin Steve that he didn’t like, but it was something “off” about him. Steve was in his late twenties and couldn’t hold a job so he was living with his grand parents. He had been in and out of jail and was just one of those people your mother warned you about, but Steve was family and in the large Tancredi Italian clan that meant everything.
Michael begged for Paul to take him along, but Paul just laughed and said that he had to go out and wasn’t gonna take a kid with him. Michael ran out on the lawn after him, but Paul was already gone. He thought about just waiting on the porch swing until his Nana came back from the hair dresser, but it was February and his thin buggle boy shirt and jeans weren’t keeping him warm. He had a plan. He was going to run into the kitchen then sneak up the back stairs, lock Nana’s and Grampa’s bedroom door and just wait in there until someone else came home. Only when he opened the door, Steve was standing there smiling at him. His face looked friendly. He had the Tancredi nose and wavy dark hair only his eyes were a weird shade of green that reminded Michael of the zombies in that scary movie that Jess made him watch.
“Mickey! I’m gonna tell Nana you went out without your coat on!” Steve said with a smirk on his face the grew when he saw the distress on Michael’s seven year old face. Steve knew he had him right where he wanted him. He asked Michael if he wanted him not to tell Nana and Michael begged for him not to. He told him that he needed his help moving some things around in his room and if he helped him, then he wouldn’t tell. Michael could feel a tight knot forming in his stomach as he weighed his options. Nana would spank him again if she found out that he had went outside without a jacket on again, but something was telling him not to go up into that bedroom. But, when Steve reminded Michael that Nana would be really, really mad at Michael for not listening to her about wearing his coat, Michael went up the stairs with him.
Snakes..Steve kept snakes in glass cages all around his dark and dank room. The whole place smelled like moth balls and cat piss and Michael wanted to leave as soon as he walked in, only Steve was behind him and wouldn’t move. He asked Michael if he wanted to pet one of them. Steve laughed at the look of sheer terror that came across Michael’s face as he yelled that he didn’t want to. Steve laughed and ignored him as he pulled out the biggest snake in his collection. It was a colorless Boa Constrictor and Michael screamed and ran for the door as he heard it hiss in Steve’s hands. The door was locked and Michael started to scream and bang on it for someone to help, but no one was outside to hear his cries and help. Steve continued laughing and Michael tried to think of a place he could hide and get away from the snake, but the room was too small for him to go anywhere else except on the bed. Steve laughed and threatened that he would throw the snake around Michael’s neck unless he took off his shirt. Michael didn’t even question him…he just took it off. He would have done anything that he asked as long as Steve kept that snake away from him. Cousin Steve smiled and placed the snake back in it’s cage before he asked Michael if he wanted to play a game…games that he made him play until Michael was thirteen..
Michael opened his eyes and stared down at his bleeding palm. He had gripped the blade so hard that he had drawn blood. It wasn’t very much and the pain felt more like an itch. No, that wasn’t enough to make him feel better. He rolled up his sweat pants, just above the knee and pulled his leg up to his chest so his neck could rest on his knee. He looked down at the small pink jagged lines that had longed healed and knew he would me adding another member to the family. It was a good thing that he skated because no one ever asked him why his legs were so cut up and scarred. He had no time for any more thoughts of dissuasion. He knew that he no matter what he said to himself the end result would always be the same. He closed his eyes and pressed the cold metal blade on his calf and squeezed his eyes shut even tighter as he pressed harder. He usually liked music playing in the background while he did it, to help him get further lost, but he had no time for that. No, he had people downstairs and needed to make this quick. He dragged the blade slowly to prolong the sharp feeling of his flesh being torn. He sighed as crimson relief slowly began to ooze out and run down his towards his ankle. The rush was over too quickly so he needed to do it again..only once more and that would be enough for now. Like an orgasm, the feeling was intense and after he was done, he wanted to do it again and again, but he stopped himself.
A knock came at the door startling him. He threw the ruby tipped razor behind his bed and opened the door.
“Dude, what the fuck are you doing?” Tommy asked him with a smile on his golden, half black, half Korean face that Michael didn’t return. Tommy’s short dark brown hair was cropped closely to his head, a strong contrast to Michael’s jet black hair which was long and down his back in deep waves of coal, falling just to his shoulders.
“Hey Tommy. Nothing man.” Michael replied as he closed his door behind him and started walking back down to the living room while running his hands over his sweat dripping hair and twisting it in his hand, wrapping it around his fist. He didn’t want Tommy to look at him because he knew that Tommy would know something was wrong. The best and worst thing about Tommy is his perceptiveness. Out of all of his friends Tommy was the one who could ALWAYS tell when something was wrong with him. Where as most people would assume that Michael was just probably pissed off about something random and pointless, Tommy would be the one to probe to see if the problem was something deeper.
“You okay? You look like shit.” Tommy muttered peering his deep brown eyes at him.
“Fuck off Tommy!” Michael yelled and immediately regretted his outburst. But, it was too late Tommy was muttering something under his breath and walked away. Michael watched Tommy sit down on the bottom stairs and just as he was about to go down and sit next to him and try to fix things, Kyle had beat him to the punch. Michael couldn’t fight away that little knot that started to twist around in his stomach as he stood at the top of the stairs watching them. Kyle sat down on a step just below Tommy and he could see Kyle ask him what was wrong. He couldn’t see Tommy’s reply, but he saw Kyle’s green eyes smile at what ever Tommy had said to him and they both stood up. He watched Kyle throw his baseball cap backwards of his long straight blonde hair and walk over to Susanna. He said something in her ear that made her smile and for a moment Michael felt jealous that someone other than him had made his girlfriend smile. Michael made his way down the stairs and walked over to them just in time to hear Kyle say that he and Tommy were leaving.
“Leaving? Where you guys going?” Michael asked as he glanced quickly over to Tommy who stood near the front door waiting to leave. A sadness washed over him as Tommy turned to look away.
“Oh, man. Where just..gotta um.do some stuff. See ya tomorrow.” Kyle replied quickly and it was obvious to Michael that he was lying. Kyle was another one his close friends and he didn’t want to think of the reasons why he would be lying. No, he didn’t want to think about that because if he did, then the pain would come back and he didn’t know how far he would take go if it did. So, he told Kyle that he would see them tomorrow and watched as Tommy smiled and patted Kyle on the back as they walked out of the door. Michael could feel his fingers tingling again and had to down three beers until it stopped….
CHAPTER TWO: DESIRE
It was morning and the sun was shining down reflecting it’s light onto the snow. The house was cold and drafty so he curled up into a ball to try to keep the warmth in. He could feel Susanna’s body laying at the far edge of the king size bed, her long red hair falling graceful over her slender nude body, but he couldn’t find it in himself to reach over and pull her close to him. No, there was distance between them that went far greater that the few feet of the mattress. He could hear the muffled moans of sex being blasted from downstairs and he knew his roommate Charlie was up to his usual morning ritual of watching porn, jacking off and eating Captain Crunch cereal. He sighed as he pulled the rich burgundy covers off as his bare feet touched to cold wood of the floor and his nipples hardened with the chill.
He waited until he heard the moans end and BET come on before he went downstairs.
“Morn’n…” Charlie grumbled in his raspy as he walked past Michael and threw his used paper towel in the garbage. His short bone straight dark hair was covered by a baseball cap and he wore his usual attire of baggy sweats and dirty t-shirt that hung over his too thin frame loosely. Michael nodded in response and made a pot of coffee to wake up. He was never the morning person and didn’t like to be up so early, but he had to because he was throwing an end of the school year barbeque to celebrate the ending of Kyle and Darnels senior year a semester earlier than Tommy`s. He heard the door open and an obnoxious laugh that Michael horned ‘the drunken frat-boy laugh’ that could only belong to Kyle flooded the kitchen.
“Sup man!” Charlie said to Kyle as he and Darnel walked in the kitchen and started going through the refrigerator. Michael looked over at the smiling Kyle and he hated what he saw. No, he didn’t hate Kyle, no he was one of his best friends, but he hated the utter contentment that was on his face. That peaceful smile that incorporated into his dimples. His shaggy blonde hair thrown under a dingy gray wool hat against his bright glowing skin and glittering green Irish eyes. He was happy and Michael didn’t like that. No, he was miserable inside so everybody else should be too, but that was selfish and deep down inside he didn`t meant that.
Kyle’s cell phone began to ring and he grinned as he answered it. Michael watched as Kyle’s short frame, barely over five foot four, walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway where he thought no one could hear him. He could hear Kyle using his deep voice that he only used when he was trying to pick up girls and Michael let a small smirk come across his face for reasons he didn’t understand. Kyle told whatever `chick’ he had on the phone that he loved them and would see them in a few hours before hanging up the phone and strolling back into the kitchen.
“Aye, Tommy’s gonna be a couple hours late. His bullshit car is fucking up!” Kyle stated and Michael eyed him suspiciously. He had a lot of thoughts running throw his head, but it wasn’t the right time to think about such unpleasantness . No, now was not the time because Susanna had just walked in with a bag of coal and he smiled as she greeted him with a kiss on his cheek.
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He was alone again, up in his room which was the only place he could find solace. Susanna was off somewhere he didn’t care to know, but he could hear Darnel and Charlie arguing about something a few feet away from his door and he hoped they wouldn’t stop and come in because he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. No, he wanted to close his eyes and stay under the warmth of the covers and think about his life and all the things that was wrong with it. Self pity is addictive, but he wasn’t pitying himself. No, to pity yourself meant you had to feel bad for yourself and you can’t feel anything when your emotions were as discontented as his. Lucky for him he could hear Darnel yelling that Charlie was a fucking scum bag and a few seconds later the down stairs door slammed shut only to be opened a second later then slammed shut again.
Good…he was finally alone again. His fingers started tingling again and he knew there was no way to fight it. No, he didn’t even care about trying to fight it away anymore because he wanted to hurt…he loved the feeling. The door locked and Morrissey singing to the backdrop of The Smiths softly playing on the stereo “Asleep”. He reached behind his dresser where he kept his stash of old and used razors. Most were dull now and would barley cut through paper, but he kept them anyway. Like a collection of sorrow’s they were reminders of the one thing that bought him the sweetest pleasure and the purest pain, all at the same time. There were so many back there that it surprised him. He never really looked at them, he would just throw them back there when he was done. He wasn’t worried about someone finding them because no one would have a reason to be looking behind his night stand. Fuck, Susanna was the one who always cleaned and if she hadn’t found any in the three years they had been together, then no one would.
The sad piano music began to play and Michael closed his eyes longing for the sweet serenity of his blade. Lights off, he stripped and brought the razor to his upper thigh. He took in a deep breath and placed it down onto his pale alabaster skin…and pressed. He grunted slightly at the contact and dragged the blade upwards. It was almost beautiful the way the crimson slipped out and the slow leak that followed running down his thigh and unto his dark sheets. But, it wasn’t enough. No, once was never enough so he looked for a fresh area to place his relief only there were none. No, his upper legs were completely scarred with the lines of his inner pain and his calves were the same, so he had to cut over one of his scars. That took a little more effort, but the pay off was the same.
His arms…they were fresh and clean; uncharted territory. He could do it there, but he was scared of what that would mean. No, he had been doing this for more than ten years and never had done his arms. No, that was for people with no self control and he had that. But, the sweet pure skin of his forearm was beckoning. The dark tattoo of a sword with a rose wrapped around it, a drunken mistake he had yet to regret, was the perfect place. He could cut inside there and the scar would be hidden by the dark inky shadows.
He breathed in deeply and could hear his heart thumping in his chest being echoed in his ears. Morrissey’s deep crowning voice begging to be left asleep because he didn’t want to wake up in this world anymore was exactly how Michael felt, so as he pressed the blade deeper into his flesh he wondered what it would feel like if he went a few inches further towards his wrist. Yeah, just a few inches to his wrist and he could be done with this. He could leave this awful world because as Morrissey sung, there must be a better world than the one he was living in. He wanted to be sung asleep because he was tired and wanted to go to bed and didn`t want to wake up again with the same feelings that made him want to go to sleep in the first place. He wanted someone to sing to him and then leave him alone so he could leave this awful place that was filled with so much pain and in the cell of his heart, he would be happy once he was gone. He hadn’t even realized that his hand had traveled to his wrist and the razor lay pressed at his pulse point. He suddenly became alert of that and only that as the sounds in his room were blocked out by the thumping of his heart beating to deadly beats in his chest. He should just do it he told himself. He could feel wetness on his face and was surprised that he was crying. No weak sounds of sorrow, just wet tears falling down unintentionally. That pissed him off for reasons he didn’t understand fully. He hated to cry and so he pressed the blade on his wrist. He knew he had to pull upwards because that was the way to do it…to do it right anyway. You go up the road, not across the street.
He pressed and a drop of blood began to pour out so fast that it scared him. It usually took a few seconds for the blood to leak out on his legs, but at his wrist it was so quick and sudden that it shocked him to stop. He cursed as he jumped off his bed and began to pace around his room. Angry redden wet face, clothes off and naked. He could hear the downstairs door slam so he through his black sweat pants and sweat shirt back on just in case it was Susanna. He didn’t want her to walk in on him naked because then she would see all of his scars up close. Yeah, he had been naked in front of her before and she never said anything about them, but he still wanted to be careful.
He looked in the mirror and tried to make himself look somewhat less frazzled. As he finger brushed his hair back he could see the small cut, no more than an inch, on his wrist was still dripping blood so he grabbed a sweat band cuff off his dresser and through it on. He could hear Tommy’s deep voice call out, asking where the hell everyone was at. He took one final look at himself as he sprayed on cologne to try and cover up his smell. He was paranoid and thought that the scent of his sorrow could be smelled. Silly, yes, but he wasn’t thinking clearly. It was as if as the day past, Michael was slowly losing touch with himself and the people around him, but he was so fucking good at acting that no one noticed.
“Tommy!” Michael stated as he walked to the refrigerator and took out lunch meat. Without fail, every time Tommy would come over the first thing he would grab was a sandwich. With the way that man ate, you would have thought him to way twice as much as his one hundred and fifty pound framed body. Michael was slightly thinner, but just as tall coming in at just under six feet. One could assume that Michael would have felt the need to apologize to him for how he acted the night before, but that’s not how things worked with the group. Yeah, if you did something fucked up or really terrible, you said you were sorry that moment after it happened, but usually if whatever happened wasn’t too bad, a night and a day would make things better and you just didn’t talk about it again.
“Michael! Where the hell is everybody at?” Tommy asked as he walked next to him with two plates and two cups for them to pour there beer in. He had forgotten about the whole incident just like Michael knew he would. Fuck, that’s just how things worked.
“I don’t know? I think Darnel went to get his transcripts today.”
“Okay. You know he’ll start talking to some girl and forget about getting them again yet again.” Tommy deadpanned and Michael actually looked over at him for the first time officially since he walked in. Michael always loved how Tommy looked with goatee short and trimmed; it showed off his face more. Tommy’s cheeks were reddened from the cold afternoon January air, but that only made his brown eyes almond eyes appear warmer and the golden hue of his skin brighter. Michael found himself smiling for no reason, but when Tommy arched his eyebrow up at him inquisitively, he turned his attention back to putting the mayonnaise on the rolls.
“So, what did you do to your car this time?” He asked trying to steer the conversation in another direction. But, when Tommy didn’t answer him he got worried and he turned to look at him, only Tommy’s eyes weren’t on him. No, they were looking down at the hand that Michael was using to spread the mayonnaise on the rolls with. He followed his gaze and saw that blood was dripping down from the black sweat band cuff he had put on. He dropped the knife and for a split second panicked and thought that he had been found out. But, then he remembered that no on knew…how could they, so he kept his face calm and actually threw on a smirk.
“What the fuck did you do to your arm?” Tommy asked and Michael smirked and before he could say `hurt it skating’, his hand was inside of Tommy’s and against his will he knew his skin was flushing with heat. Tommy had always had the affect on him. Well, Tommy and a few other guys, but with Tommy it was the most strong and Michael hated that. He thought he was a sick fuck for some of the thoughts he would have about Tommy. Yeah, jacking off while thinking about fucking someone who’s one of your best friends was a pretty fucked thing to do in his opinion. Michael was uncomfortable with the way Tommy was holding his wrist up to his face attempting to examine the cut. He snatched his hand away before Tommy could take the sweat band cuff off.
“Skating bit my ass today!” Michael stated and Tommy looked at him like he was lying.
“Skating? You went skating today?”
“Yeah.” Michael replied, not liking the disbelieving look on Tommy’s face.
“Skating…in the snow?” Tommy deadpanned and Michael didn’t like that look. No, that was the look he gave Charlie when he caught him lying about using drugs some years back. Michael thought quickly and the lies came out easy. When you spend most of your life lying and hiding yourself from people it becomes second nature.
“Fucker I know that! I was skating at the skate-park dip-shit!” Michael deadpanned and Tommy nodded understanding. Michael had dodged that bullet, but Tommy was still looking at him and Michael found himself grinning like an idiot for no reason. It was just Tommy was looking so cute in his black hooded sweatshirt over his head and loose light blue jeans tucked into brown work boots. Michael continued to apply the mayonnaise liberally on both sides of the bread as he looked sideways, smirk on his face mirrored by the smirking gleam of Tommy’s eyes, and knew that he was falling for him all over again. There was this brief time some years ago while they were still in high school that Michael had began to fall for him, and fall hard he did.
He watched as Tommy’s high school slut of girl-friend cheated and broke his heart in eleventh grade. That’s when he and Tommy first started to get closer. They had all been friends since elementary school, he, Tommy, Darnel, Charlie and Kyle, but for some reason Tommy and Michael were never as close as they were with the others. But when Michael started to have feelings for him, weird feelings that made him ashamed and happy at the same time, he tried to get closer to Tommy and it worked. They went from hanging out in groups, to just with each other. The only problem with that was his feelings began to grow stronger and stronger for Tommy with each passing day and for a while, he thought that maybe Tommy was starting to feel the same way towards him. Foolish, yes, but Michael didn’t think he was imagining the secret smiles that Tommy would give him or the lingering touches or prolonged laughs to jokes that really weren`t all that funny. But then right before their senior of high school Tommy started to date a new girl and actually looked happy with her. Michael let his feelings dimmer out a little, but they never completely went away. They lingered for years and years and as he watched Tommy take a sip from his beer filled cup and grin back at him with his rosy cheeks, he wondered if maybe Tommy knew how he felt.
“What?” Tommy laughed in that scratchy voice that let Michael know he was only a few hours away from being completely sick with the flu.
“Nothing man.” Michael laughed back and Tommy shook his head grinning. Michael looked at him again and Tommy’s laughter increased.
“WOULD YOU MAKE THE DAMN SANDWICHES!” Tommy screamed through his smile and Michael couldn’t help thinking back to the time in high school when they accidentally got locked in a supply room closet. Michael smiled and handed Tommy a turkey sub and they walked to the table and stood as they began to eat. Occasionally Tommy would look over at him and smile which made Michael smile and ask `what?’, but only receiving goofy grins for answers. It was a two way street as Tommy would ask `what?” every time Michael would get caught staring too. The door to the kitchen creaked opened flooding the room with the bright light of the early afternoon sun and Darnel and Kyle came strolling in. Like a force being pulled Tommy dropped his sandwich on the plate and went over to a grinning Kyle.
“Hey Tommy!” Kyle exclaimed.
“Kyle!” Tommy yelled back and the two of them walked off into the living room leaving Michael behind watching them. Darnel was trying to cut away the half of the sandwich that Tommy had left and was mumbling something about how they should clean out the driveway. But, Michael wasn’t hearing any of that. No, his eyes were focused on the animated way that Tommy was talking to Kyle and how he had his arm reached over in front of him so his hand was resting on Kyle’s smaller shoulder. Michael felt a tight knot form in his stomach as he saw the way Kyle grinned up at him and gave him a shy smile. No, that wasn’t right he thought to himself. No, that was wrong and it should have been him standing were Kyle was…but it wasn’t. No, the sad reality was Michael wasn’t completely sure what he was seeing, but he knew what he wouldn’t ever see. He wouldn’t ever see himself with Tommy because that brought on way too many complications. Complications that he blamed his cousin Steve for. His fingers started to tingle again and he need relief…relief that he knew he could find behind his night stand. He didn’t bother announcing that he would be right back. No, Darnel was on his cell phone and Tommy and Kyle were laughing about something that they weren’t sharing. He passed Charlie on the stairs, but he ignored him as Charlie stared at him curiously. He went inside his bedroom, closed the door and took a deep breath as he reached behind his dresser for his box of bladed love. His legs were of no use anymore…no they had too many scars…but his arms…his arms were bare. He closed his eyes as he pressed down his comfort and sighed with the sweet crimson relief spilling down…
CHAPTER THREE: THE WANT
He was losing his mind, at least that’s what it felt like. He sipped his beer slowly trying to ignore the itchy tingling of his fingers begging to be brought relief and comfort. No, he tried to ignore it, but as he watched Tommy and Kyle sit so close to each other at the bar, he knew he wouldn’t last much longer. He wasn’t crazy, he knew something was going on between them with the way Tommy was fucking smiling and fucking laughing! It was that deep chuckle that Tommy was giving Kyle that told him all he needed to know. His finger tips numbing from the urge, he knew he should just do it, get it over with, but there was no where he could go. No, the bathroom was only a few feet away, but he didn’t have a blade with him. But, he did have that Swiss army knife that he kept on his key chain.
“I’ll be right back.” He stated and all he received was a nod from Tommy and a quick glance from Kyle who was too busy smirking at Tommy to care. He shuffled passed the large crowds of people dancing to the thumping of hideous techno music that was too loud and not in the way he liked. Most of them knew him personally already and didn’t bother him, but it was the four of five random people who he didn’t know him as anything other than a skate-king, had been the ones to stop him. If you give out one autograph, then that turns to ten and that turns to fifty. No, now was not the time for distractions and the pretty chubby girl with the brown hair was in his way. He flashed a false smile and thanked her for the compliments of `you’re awesome’ before he managed to get away.
The bathroom smelled of piss and pine cleaner, too large, but clean enough. Fuck, it could have been in the middle of the projects and he still would have used it. There were people inside, three or four, but Michael ducked into the handicap bathroom before they could see him. He reached into his jacket pocket pulling out his jingling keys. He fingered the small four inch Swiss knife key chain as his mind argued for him not to do it, but the want was in his heart and the heart`s stronger than the mind. He could hear the three guys just outside of his door laughing about something that he was sure was pointless and only funny to them. He waited a moment for the door to shut, leaving the bathroom emptied in silence with the muffled hum of the music being felt more than heard. The slow drip of the facet echoed around the room in a drip-tap pattern and Michael sighed as he gave up hope. He propped one foot up on the toilet for balance and rolled up his sleeve. His heart was thumping and sweat was falling into his eyes. He always sweated when he was excited. Looking down at his forearm which was once a fresh and clean canvas with only a few dark inked tattoos, but now dirtied with the painted lines of his pain. Some deep and some not, some light pink and fading, some still healing. This is what his life had become; endless swirls and lines edged with misery. He could feel his pulse thrashing with every unsteadied breath that exhaled from his body and he pressed down…he pressed the blade down and pulled upwards, slowly dragging upwards to prolong the feeling. The knife was dull and unlike his beloved razorblades, he had to press down harder and use more effort to get the sweet relief he needed. It was like he was on a drug and the high was instant. He understood how Charlie could get hooked on cocaine when he was seventeen, because if the rush was one tenth of what he was feeling at that moment with the dragging knife pressing into his forearm, then the sweet torture would have addicted him too.
He didn’t cut too deeply. No, he only needed a few seconds to tide him over until he went home to his cold lonely bed where Susanna was waiting. Only in the cold solace of his bedroom could he fully find release, but for now the bathroom served only as a temporary outlet. He grabbed a hand full of thin, scratchy brown toilet paper and dapped at the small amount of blood that he had drawn. The bathroom door burst open temporarily flooding the bathroom with music and he could hear Tommy’s voice talking a little louder than he would have been if he hadn’t had those three shots of whiskey.
“So, what do you want to do after this?” Tommy asked in his deep scratch voice that only came out when he was either about to get sick or had just woken up. He wasn’t completely drunk, just a little tipsy, but add that to the fatigue he was feeling from being out all night and you would have thought he was wasted.
“I think you know what I want to do!” Another voice stated that Michael instantly recognized as Kyle’s and Michael froze still. Tissue dapped in blood lay paused at his wound as he struggled to listen to what Tommy and Kyle were saying to each other.
“Oh? I think I know what you wanna do!” Tommy replied and Michael cringed as he heard them laugh together again for what had to have been the hundredth time that night. There was once a time when Michael used to be the one who could make Tommy laugh a certain way, but as time was passing things weren’t like that anymore. No, the small smiles Tommy used to give him were becoming far and in-between, but he would catch him giving Kyle those smiles…his smiles. Smiles that use to make him feel all warm inside at first before leaving him feeling cold again after they were gone.
“Yeah, what should we tell Michael?” Kyle asked him and Michael’s heart was thumping so loudly in his chest at the thought of what his friends were about to do. It was killing him, slowly, it was. But, its hard to kill something that already feels dead inside.
“We don’t have to tell him—” Tommy started to say, but stopped when the stall at the far end of the bathroom opened up and Michael came strolling out and glared at them.
“You fuckers were trying to ditch me?” He stated as he wildly threw up his hands in exaggeration. Tommy’s face had that surprised look that reminded Michael of a kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Kyle…well he had that look of simplicity on his face that he always had. The utter contentment with life like all he needed was a good beer and a good fuck to keep him satisfied. Sometimes Michael hated that look because he knew he could never feel that way.
“What…we were…” Tommy trailed off, but then Michael smiled and laughed.
“Haha, if you fucking pussy’s wanna go then go!” Michael stated. His cheeks were hurting with the force of his false smile, but he had to keep it on. No, he couldn`t let them know his true feelings.
“How are you gonna get home?” Tommy asked and Michael hated the tone of his voice. It was heavy with concern, like he cared about him more than a normal friend should and Michael hated how false he knew it was. No, Tommy didn`t love him, that was just fates way of fucking with him once again. Teasing him with the thought of something that he couldn`t have, with something that didn`t want him.
“Go ahead. I`ll call up Charlie or something.” Michael replied as he did a good job of hiding the pain in his voice.
“Cool man, Tommy you ready?” Kyle asked Tommy, but Tommy was looking at Michael in that concerned way again that made him feel both warm and cold at the same time.
“Michael, are you feeling alright man?” Tommy asked and Michael wanted to scream out that he wasn’t fucking feeling alright. No, he felt the furthest thing from fucking alright! He wanted to yell out how every time he closed his eyes he could remember his cousin fucking him even while he screamed and cried for him to stop. Even still he could remember the touches…the tastes…the yelling…the harshness…the pain. The worse times were when Steve would make Michael play with the snakes. No, Steve was sick and liked to see Michael cry…snakes made him cry. He wanted to scream out how for five fucking years he felt like it was his fault and felt the shame of thinking that he was doing something that made Steve do all those disgusting things to him. The secret shame of it all was his and he felt the burden heavy on his mind and body. He wanted to yell out that when his mother Donna had walked in on Steve fucking him one fall afternoon how he swore that he saw shame in her eyes and that she blamed him for it happening. Even though she screamed at Steve to stop and went after him with a pair of scissors, in Michael’s mind he thought that Donna thought that he was the sick one, the not normal one.
He hated how much she seemed to love him, but every now and then she would yell at him for something random and then would just stop and get a sad look on her face and walk away. Those looks felt like blame to him. But, it wasn’t his fault. No, Steve had gotten to him while he was still too young to understand that the bad touches weren’t just bad because they hurt him and left him sore afterwards. Michael wanted to yell out how when his older brother Dennis found out he started treating him like he was some fucking little kid who always had to be taken care of and how Grampa tried to pretend it never happened and they weren`t allowed to tell his Nana. She had thought Steve moved to Florida. Michael hated how his father Jonathan would let him do whatever the hell he wanted to do because he felt guilty for not knowing that it was his own God-damn cousin hurting his youngest son and that made Michael feel worse knowing of his father’s guilt.
He wanted to tell Tommy that when he was thirteen and after Steve was sentenced to only a year in jail, how he went home that day and cried into his pillow because all the years that he had suffered through had meant nothing because twelve fucking people told him that by only giving the minimum instead of the God damn maximum! He cried so fucking hard that his head started to hurt as his nose bleed and he promised himself that he would never cry again. He wanted to tell Tommy that his tears stopped once he looked over on his dresser and saw the kitchen knife still resting on his dinner plate that he had left up there in his room from the night before and after a few minutes he felt better. How when he figured out that razorblades worked faster three days later he smiled for the first time in months. No, not the smiles and laughs he would have while the crew would be around filming skits in the haggard basement, but a real and pure smile. He wanted to yell out that he hated his fucking life and felt like dying every single fucking day of his awful life for the last twelve years, but couldn’t find the courage to actually do it. No, instead of jumping off the twelve story building and ending his misery, he would jump of the two story house and pretend that it was all for laughs when really it was for the tempting of fate. Hoping that each jump or dive would be off just a few inches and then laughing to hide his disappointment when he wasn`t off. But, no he didn’t say any of those things. No, he smiled at Tommy and Kyle and then turned to look in the mirror and fix his hair.
“I’m fine, you guys can leave, but I’m staying a little longer. Call me in the morn` n cuz there’s whiskey`s and metal waiting and I`m gonna get me a little bit of both!” He stated and saluted as he walked out before either of them could stop him. Once out of the bathroom he leaned his back against the door and breathed in deeply letting his lungs fill up with the heavy smoke filled air of the bar. His head was starting to hurt again and thoughts of Steve lay just below the surface threatening to ignite the tingling of his fingers again. He sat back down at his table and sipped the two shots of whiskey that were sitting on the table-top as he wiped the sweat off his brow and ran his fingers through his short dark wavy hair. He watched Tommy and Kyle walk out of the bar smiling again…fucking smiling at each other while Michael felt like he was dying and he tried to think away the tightening of his chest. He put down the empty glasses and motioned for the bartender to get him another shot of love and two bottles of hope…
CHAPTER FOUR: I NEED YOU
t was hot. So fucking hot and the heat was making him sweat. He didn’t feel like going on a vacation. No, he’d rather stay home in Jersey, but Darnel had been able to get his parents summer house in Texas for a few days and everyone wanted to escape the winter blues and decided to take the weekend getaway. The plane ride had been peaceful and he was actually able to sleep which was something that he had never been able to do on a plane before. Maybe it was because Tommy was seated next to him for the ride and Kyle was seated four rows back next to Darnel and Charlie. Michael and Tommy actually had a good time during the seven hour flight. If they weren’t sleeping, they were up laughing about something pointless and unimportant. That was just how things were with them sometimes and Michael loved those moments. ”I got two rooms!” Kyle stated excitedly as he dangled two sets of keys in his hand. No one seemed to enthused about that because the plan was for them to stay at Darnel’s parents home. Unfortunately for them, Darnel hadn’t asked his parents so when they got there, they were surprised to find out that his parents had leased the house out for a few weeks to an elderly couple who were less than thrilled by the four loud and rowdy college men trying to drag cases of beer through their kitchen. It was humid, more like muggy and Michael’s black t-shirt was sticking to his white skin. He was a Jersey boy and preferred chilly weather. But, he was in a good mood. An actual good mood. He just woke up from the plane ride feeling that way. He laughed as he took the keys from Kyle’s hand and motioned for them all to follow him into the rooms. He looked over at Tommy and smiled. Tommy hated the heat almost more than he did and he thought it was funny the way his nose was crinkling up in annoyance. But, when Tommy’s eyes met his and he smiled at him, Michael felt warm inside. Maybe it was just from the heat or maybe it was from something more…Michael didn’t care which was which.
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The day had been long, tiring and all they all wanted to do was go to sleep. Two beds and five people. Charlie had been given his own room because no one could stand his snoring, but he was hanging out in theirs, snapping pictures. Darnel laid down on the bed furthest to the wall because he had this theory that sleeping near a wall could keep you cool. Michael was half hoping that Kyle would lay down next to Darnel and then he could lay next to Tommy. But, it didn’t come as a surprise when Kyle laid down next to Tommy. He could hear them laughing…laughing so loud that his head started to hurt. Michael had to turn on his side to try and muffle the sounds. It didn’t work. It was hot as balls out and he swore that he could smell the odious smells of the swamp inside of his pillow. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, but the light from the flash of Charlie’s camera was bright and Kyle was talking softly to Tommy, who was silent in his own misery from the heat. The distance may have only been a few feet, but Michael felt miles away. It’s always little things that trigger it. It could be a bad day or getting into a pointless argument with his mom that made him want to do it. That self pain / pleasure of relief that he craved almost daily. But, he could wait a few days until they all got back home. Or he could at least wait until they all fell asleep and he could sneak off in the bathroom and do it. The talking stopped now, but he could hear their bed rustling and against his will, Michael looked over his shoulder and was glad that it was only Tommy rustling around trying to get comfortable, while Kyle looked miserable up at the ceiling. Tommy asked if anyone tried turning on the air conditioner and that set Michael off. ”Of course we did! He yelled. He was frustrated with the situation he was in and having Tommy ask an obvious question, which was the norm, pushed him. Tommy on the other hand didn’t seem fazed by his outburst and Michael was thankful for that. He turned his back once again, curling in a fetal position while Darnel was slowly trying to drift into unconsciousness. Michael reached inside of his pants pockets and took out a pair of sunglasses. He hated how the light from that camera was hurting his eyes. The shades helped and he was able to fall into that sleep state where you look and feel like you’re sleeping, but you’re able to hear everything that goes on around you. That state where you felt like you wanted to get up, but some unknown force paralyzes your body and won’t let you move. But, you still could hear and understand the things being said and done around you. That was the state that Michael was in. Darnel was snoring softly now and he heard Charlie say he was going to his room next door to sleep. Michael could feel the heat from the light being turned off fade and he knew he was in complete darkness now.
It was about ten minutes, maybe more or maybe less, that passed and he heard Kyle whisper out Darnel’s name to see if he was awake. Tommy softly called out Michael’s name, but since Michael from all appearances seemed to be asleep, he was greeted with silence. He heard Tommy whisper to Kyle that maybe they should go into another room and do it because they didn’t want to wake up Darnel and Michael. Kyle chuckled softly and Michael could hear their bed squeaking followed by footsteps and the opening and closing of the front door.
Michael’s heart was hurting…more like aching. A soft pang of lost and envy hit him and that was all the force he needed to wake-up. He could hear Darnel’s snoring now booming in his ears as he made his way into the bathroom. He slowly closed the door behind him and pulled his black pants down and sat down on the dirty toilet. He didn’t want to do it on his arm again because there were already enough pink lines on them. Anymore and they would be noticeable and Michael didn’t want anyone to notice them because noticing them meant knowing what he did and he didn’t want anyone to know that. It was his secret…his way of dealing…his shame that he didn’t want to share because it belonged to him.
There was water from the faucet dripping into the sink. The quiet pang of water against porcelain echoed in his ears. The smell in the bathroom was worse than the smell outside, but he didn’t have anytime to care about any of that. He reached into his pocket and took out the little box of razors he had picked up at a general store somewhere near the motel. He took his pants off and looked for a bare spot to cut. His thighs were dirtied with lines of pink and deep mauve scars…too many of them. Some lines were smooth downed and flattened as he ran his finger tips over them, but other lines were rough and bumpy. He found a line…light…soft…and pink… perfect to cut. He had to press a little deeper and the bitter sharpness of the blade pierced his flesh easily. The pain was sharp, but soft…almost gentle. The sweet pleasure didn’t pour out, no it dripped out slowly in little curved droplets at first, then a little more quicker as it slid down off his leg and a few drips hit the dirtied stained yellow tiled floor. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back to fully let himself relax in only the way he knew how to. His breaths came out long and deep and he didn’t care that each breath he took tasted like swamp. He could hear the front door open and loud laughter float in. Darnel started yelling for someone to shut the hell up so he could go back to sleep. Michael stood up feeling panicked for a few seconds. He didn’t want to stop at one, no he wanted to do more, but he couldn’t; not with so many people so close to the door. He stood up and flushed the toilet. He splashed some water on his face and then kicked himself because the water tasted and smelled like swamp too. He looked in the mirror and saw tired blue eyes staring back at him. He took a calming breath and then opened the door.
“Mickey, we just had an idea. Why don’t you guys go and sleep outside? I mean, it`s cooler out there!” Charlie stated and Michael was surprised to see him with Tommy and Kyle sitting on their bed and poker cards in Kyle`s hand. “Uh, yeah whatever.” Michael replied. He felt on edge and anxious, but he tried to push those feelings down as they all discussed how to set the beds up outside.
Tommy announced he needed to take a piss and went into the bathroom, closing it softly behind him. Michael took his place in his bed as Darnel looked at the ceiling in annoyance of being woken up just to have to go outside and fall back asleep. Tommy was in the bathroom for a few more minutes than usual before the sound of the toilet being flushed was heard and he came out. Tommy was looking at him funny. More like he was worried and Michael looked at him curiously in return. He started to feel uncomfortable under the scrutiny and he was glad that he had his shades on. Sunglasses can do a lot more than hide the sun. Yeah, they can also hide your emotions. Tommy arched his eyebrows up and gave Michael a sad smile before looking away and helping Kyle move their bed. As they moved the beds outside, Michael went into the bathroom again because now he really had to use it. He looked down on the floor and there was no mistaking the few drops of blood that were against the stained yellow tiles. It wasn’t much, but enough to be noticeable. He wiped it up and went back outside to join his friends. Tommy was looking at him again in that way that made him uncomfortable. But, when Michael took off his sunglasses and asked with his eyes why he was looking at him that way, Tommy just looked away. Michael’s stomach knotted and he knew that Tommy had seen the blood…his blood. *********************
Tommy was avoiding him or at least that’s how what it felt like for the rest of the trip. He wasn’t rude or anything like that, but whenever it was just he and Michael alone, Michael could feel the tension so he decided to try and break that by inviting himself along for a ride when Tommy was on his way to the bank in their rental car. As they drove, it felt like Tommy was holding back something and he didn’t like that feeling because for the last few years, things had never felt strained between them. ”I can’t believe Charlie didn’t tell us he got the air conditioner to work in the middle of the night! I was sweating my balls off!” Michael stated and Tommy nodded silently in agreement, but didn’t say anything in return. This routine went on for ten minutes until Michael had enough of the silent treatment and flat out asked Tommy if he was pissed at him. ”Pissed…no. Why do you think I`m pissed at you?” Tommy asked as he steered the car down the narrow road of southern Texas back country. The air smelled of the swamps of which they whipped past, but not before Michael saw that the swamp’s water wasn’t green like he would have assumed, but more of a murky shade of brown and every few seconds he swore he saw alligators floating just above the surface. “It just seems like your mad about something.” Michael replied and felt stupid for having this conversation, so he decided he was going to just let it die down. Only Tommy didn’t want it to. No, the roar of the car engine turned off as Tommy parked on the side of the road, right near waters of the swamp. ”We’re friends right?” Tommy started to say and Michael could feel his fingers tingling again as his nervousness grew. But, he was Michael, he wasn’t supposed to get nervous. No, he made jokes and laughed all the time because he wasn’t supposed to take anything seriously or at least not show people that he did.
“Why dumbass? You want to go swimming?” Michael joked, but Tommy’s face remained steel and concerned. “No, I’m serious. We are, right?” “Yeah, now start the damn car up! I`m hungry and I need a twenty!” Michael replied with a playful smirk on his face and looked passed Tommy’s sunglass covered eyes. Tommy took his shades off and the way the bright sunlight hit his eyes made them appear more hazel than deep brown and Michael found himself staring into his eyes. God, everything about him Michael just loved, but he could never tell him that. No, some things were better left unsaid. “Are you using?” Tommy asked, but Michael wasn’t following. “Using? Tommy what the hell are you talking about?” Michael asked as he leaned back in his seat and tried to look calm, but he didn’t feel that way. ”Drugs…are you doing drugs because if you are, we can get you help like we did Charlie.” He stated and Michael laughed. “Drugs…Tommy, I ain’t doing no drugs. Ha Ha, why the hell would you say that?” Michael laughed and Tommy smiled in return. ”It’s just I saw all the blood in the bathroom and I…I…just thought that maybe you might be. You’ve been acting a little…off lately.
“Off? Okay?” Michael stated and could feel the knot in his stomach growing tighter and tighter until he had to start tapping his knee to help ease the tension. His fingers were tingling again and he wanted to be anywhere other than where he was. ” I don’t mean off, like off, but it’s like you’re at a bad place or something.” Tommy replied and Michael laughed because he hadn’t heard Tommy say that phrase in a long time. The last time was when Tommy was dating his whorish eleventh grade girlfriend and she had cheated on him. For two months Tommy was stuck in a depression, or as he put it, `in a bad place’. They could laugh about it now, several years later, but at the time it was a pretty painful thing to go through.
Michael looked into Tommy’s trusting eyes almost begging for him to be honest…to just open up and for a moment he was tempted to. Michael had no one to talk to about his feelings. He couldn’t tell his mother that sometimes, late at night he would have nightmares about cousin Steve and all the things he used to make him do and how he would wake-up in cold sweats. He couldn’t tell his brother Dennis that he had a hard time sleeping with Susanna and it had been almost four months since they had last had sex. He couldn’t tell his father Jonathan that every day of his life he felt like dying because he was empty inside. All the laughs and good times came frequent, but the moments of joy were fleeting and once they were gone, he was left with himself and his dark thoughts. He was pained inside and the only thing worse than the inner hurt was the fact that he had no one to share it with. He looked into Tommy’s eyes and the sun was still hitting them in that way that made them look like hazel almonds. Tommy’ eyes were so trusting…so full of hope and understanding that Michael knew had always been there. He wanted to just cry out everything to him and hope that would make him feel better inside because Michael was sick of feeling so decayed. But, the roar of another truck approaching made him realize that he couldn’t tell him. No, Tommy may have seemed trusting, but Michael had learned early on that even the people who you are suppose to trust, let you down. He smirked at Tommy and leaned back in his seat as he shrugged his shoulders like everything was fine and motioned for Tommy to start the car. Tommy turned back to Michael and asked if he was sure that he was okay and Michael nodded with a smirk and Tommy smiled back. Yeah…some things were better left unsaid…
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COPYRIGHT by Madison Aysha Dante
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